We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

I should start by saying I love my iPhone. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am obsessed with my phone. It’s not only  my calendar and  my address book but I also keep my kindle and audio books on it, it's my GPS system, I have several games on it and  I text like a teenager.

A few years ago I dropped and broke my iPhone 3 months before my scheduled upgrade date and I whined about it so much that even my priest told Opie he should just cave and buy me a new one early (and we weren’t even married yet!).

However, having said that I must add that there is one thing I hate: iPhone updates.

I don’t know why but every time I update my phone it is a huge freaking nightmare (I’m pretty sure Opie suspects user error but is too wise to say that out loud).

Which is why, whenever a new update shows up on my phone, I avoid it as long as possible. 

Yesterday I finally caved and installed the newest operating system.

And it went a little something like this:

Hit update now on settings menu of phone and immediately get message that phone doesn’t have enough memory to update and needs to be connected to computer.

Remind phone that it ALWAYS crashes when we try to update through the computer. Suggest that, this time, perhaps it could be a good sport and just go ahead and update. Press update button 4 or 5 more times in futile effort to force update.

Question marital status of phone’s parents as it inconsiderately refuses to update.

Connect the phone and the computer. Hit “update.”

Get lulled into a false sense of security when screen on phone announces “Updating now.”

Watch “Updating” flash on screen for 35 minutes.

Begin to suspect that phone is lying.

Computer also becomes suspicious of phone, beeps loudly and flashes message on screen that phone can’t update because don’t have latest version of iTunes.

Explain to computer that do have the latest version of iTunes and hit “Try Again.”

Realize that computer has, once again, been sucked into the phone’s nefarious clutches and is refusing to recognize latest version of iTunes.

Curse so loudly that have to spend next ten minutes reassuring lunatic dogs that am not screaming at them, they aren’t in trouble, and are still loved.

Ridiculous cat, it is interesting to note, is not at all disturbed by cursing but is highly offended that other animals are getting attention and immediately attempts to steal the spotlight by climbing up back and trying to balance on my head. Subsequent cursing AT cat does nothing at all to deter cat but necessitates another 5 minutes of canine comforting.

Decide that this is clearly a technical disaster best handled by computer programmer (Opie) and unplug phone from computer.

Immediately get this error message:

Which means that phone can not phone, text, or do anything useful until it has been plugged back into computer and updated.

Remember Opie’s maxim that, in times of technical trouble, step one is always to reboot gadget. 

Reboot phone.

Get message again.

Loudly accuse phone of engaging in Oedipal-like activities and feel nearly overwhelming urge to throw phone across room then stomp it into a broken puddle of communication on the floor.

Realize that A. Opie will probably object to expensive replacement of phone destroyed in temper tantrum and B. Are losing somewhat tenuous grip on sanity.

Check clock to see if it’s too early to pour a glass of wine the size of a human head.

Grudgingly heat up cup of tea instead, go out on porch with lunatic dogs and attempt to get self under control.

Come back in, somewhat refreshed, plug phone back in to computer, get on Apple’s completely misnamed Support site.

Click on “live chat” and get pop up window asking for serial number of phone.  Which, according to support site, can be found on the home screen of phone.

Check homescreen but it still looks like this:

Click on button that says “other options.” Get pop up that says “Send serial number through text.”

Scream “I CAN’T TEXT BECAUSE I CAN’T GET PAST THE ERROR SCREEN!” and try to remember every curse word have ever heard—in a variety of languages.

Check other options which include: call customer support or have customer support call you.

Except, of course, PHONE ISN’T WORKING SO CAN’T MAKE OR RECEIVE PHONE CALLS.

Spend twenty minutes in endless loop of alleged other options—all of which require the use of a phone to implement.

Realize that A. No one actually works at Apple Support and B. Sometimes the medicinal nature of wine supersedes polite society’s arbitrary time restrictions.

Return to computer, much more relaxed, completely uninstall and re-install iTunes.

Update phone.

Get message that update failed and now phone needs to be restored to factory settings.

Which takes about 45 minutes and, though I can use my phone again, means that I have to redo most of my contact list AND (far worst of all) somehow knocked me back TWENTY-TWO LEVELS in Candy Crush.

Seriously, it’s a wonder we have any wine left at all.