Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Why are all my pets crazy?

Ok, so I read an article recently that said that cat owners live longer because cats help people de-stress.

Who thinks this applies to MY cat?

On the other hand, who thinks that Prince the cat (hereafter referred to as Ridiculous Animal #3) has merely added his own brand of insanity to the Haugh household?

If you voted for the former, you are sadly out of touch with the shenanigans and brouhaha that rule my life.

You see, last night I, apparently, fell asleep with the lights on. Some people can not do this. I, on the other hand, can sleep through almost anything so had no trouble falling and staying asleep in a brightly lit room.

You know what I can’t sleep through?

A four pound kitten using my tummy as a trampoline.

Which is what Ridiculous Animal #3 did this morning at about twenty to FOUR. He ran, jumped on the crate he and Peek-A-Boo (Ridiculous Animal #1) use to get in the bed, flew onto my stomach and launched himself in the air in the manner of a super cat (I am considering buying him a cape and some tights).

At first I was angry…see, I foolishly assumed he was just playing. I didn’t realize he was DEFENDING MY LIFE. Which is why the rest of my morning went a little something like this:

4:43 AM Sit up and yell “What the f*** are you doing?”

4:44-4:45 Continue to yell at Ridiculous Animal #3 that is jumping in and out of bed at speed of light, completely ignoring any and all questions.

4:46 Scream at Ridiculous Animal #1 who has been ripped from sleep by all the racket and, instead of helping situation, decides to add to cacophony by barking at top of tiny little lungs.

4:47- 4:53 Make futile attempts to catch Ridiculous Animal #3 and stop its flying foibles.

4:54 Come to sad realization that tiny, fast, and apparently boneless kitten is Ninja in disguise and therefore much more difficult to catch than overfed, lazy dogs. Flop back down on bed in exhaustion.

4:55 See cat preparing self for new leap. Use scariest voice to warn kitty against foolish course of action.

4:56 Follow kitten’s line of sight to black spot on the wall.

4:57Yell bad words at full volume when realize black spot is SPIDER roughly the size of a human head.

4:58 – 5:00 Kitten takes advantage of distraction to fly back into bed, launch self off stomach toward wall, paws flailing wildly in attempt to swat spider.

5:01 Launch self out of bed onto floor as realize that kitten has knocked spider off wall and POSSIBLY INTO BED.

5:02 Contemplate the sweet release of death as the following 3 things occur simultaneously: 1. Ridiculous Animal #3 begins batting spider around bed as if has found best toy ever. 2. Ridiculous Animal #1 scrambles into bed (using ME as step stool) to join in the spider swatting shenanigans. 3. Ridiculous Animal #2 wakes up decides that this CLEARLY rates as THE SCARIEST SITUATION EVER and begins barking to alert whole house—and possibly whole neighborhood—to situation.

5:03-5:05 Waste precious minutes deciding which animal to attend to (by which I mean MURDER) first.

5:06 Watch in horror as cat stops batting spider across sheets and EATS IT!!

5:07 – 5:08 Grab cat and shake like rag doll, attempting to retrieve enormous and obviously poisonous spider before can kill cat.

5:09-5:11 Yell bad words, nurse wounds, and make immediate mental note to declaw cat ASAP.

5:12 – 5:35 Remember do actually love cat and do not want it poisoned so race for computer and make COLLOSSAL MISTAKE of researching cats eating spiders on internet…why , why, WHY do I keep doing this to myself? When am I going to learn that the internet only serves to freak me out more???? Especially since, in my ADD induced search I got immediately distracted by pictures of the alleged CAMEL SPIDER supposedly found in Iraq that grows to the size of a dinner plate, lays its eggs in camels’ stomachs, where the babies eventually EAT THEIR WAY OUT. In fact, a recent report stated that they are very dangerous to humans, stating that:

When a Camel Spider bites, it injects you with a Novocain type
drug that instantly "numbs" your skin and the surrounding tissue.
You can't even tell you've been bitten while you're sleeping. When you wake up, you find part of your leg or arm severely chewed because
the Camel Spider has been gnawing on it ... all night long!

And these monsters are slowly being introduced to America as they sneak back in the luggage and equipment of our troops. Which is the only thing slow about them because the camel spider can run 25 mph, will chase people around, SCREAMING all the while…

Can you imagine if my poor little kitty had tried to fight this creature:

Because I occasionally overreact, it took me about 10 seconds to remember that there had been a guy returning from Iraq on my plane home from Florida, to wonder if his luggage had been anywhere near mine, and start imagine the camel spider lurking in my closet, waiting to pounce.

Luckily, it only took me about 10 minutes of freaking out to remember that sometimes the Internet contains information that is a tiny bit exaggerated.

Yah, this was one of those times. assures me that the majority of the details reported above are completely false…especially the part about them coming to America .

So I was going to start researching the effects of spider ingestion on a tiny little cat but, to be honest, the issue seemed a bit moot (or moo, if you’re a Friends fan) since the animal in question was busy attempting to balance itself on my HEAD during the entire Camel Spider drama and clearly was suffering no ill effects at all.

So now I don’t know if I should be happy I have a spider slayer or worried about its choice of toy…in either case, I would like to repeat that this animal has NOT brought peace and quiet to my home.