So today I want to talk about a little journey from my single days that I like to call “The Second-Worst Date Ever.” Second, not first—my friend, Kelly, still holds claim to the worst date ever because of the time she got stuck out in the woods with some creepy guy named Dallas who kept asking her things like “Does it scare you that you don’t know where we are? Are you scared? Are you?” over and over.
However, although Kelly’s horrible date would make a fabulous pre-sentencing report or Lifetime TV special, it is not chock full of the same valuable life lessons as my evening. For those of you who are still single you might want to take a few notes as you may have inadvertently made a few of these etiquette faux pas. Married folks, do not despair, I think many of the rules below apply to a myriad of social situations.
1. Do NOT show up twenty minutes late then order a Jack and Coke before saying hello.
2. Do NOT, in the first fifteen minutes of conversation, volunteer the information that your FATHER uses TAMPONS in his rectum when his hemorrhoids get especially bad. (No, I don’t completely remember what led to this comment but that isn’t really the point since THERE IS NO APPROPRIATE TIME TO SEGUE INTO A TAMPON UP THE BUTT DISCUSSION).
3. Do NOT curse like a sailor in front of your date for the entire evening, dropping no less than 30 f-bombs but apologize to the waitress for cursing in front of her once.
4. Do initiate conversations about mutual acquaintances but do NOT ask questions like “Was she the one with the big…?” and make cupping gestures in front of your chest. Definitely do NOT follow this up with the information that you are an expert at picking out fake boobs while nodding your head meaningfully at one of the waitresses.
5. Do NOT comment that you hope computers don’t completely replace sex any time soon since that could cause you to lose all muscle tone in your right arm. (Masturbation references are the type of thing that should probably be saved for a second or third date).
6. Do discuss your family in pleasant and loving terms but do NOT mention that your aunt, who can speak five languages, taught you some phrase that you don’t know the meaning of but she promises will get you immediately laid in Holland. Some of us, you see, are uncomfortable discussing our sex lives with close family members, much less learning great pick up lines.
7. Do NOT wonder out loud why, if alien life forms are supposed to be so advanced, they can only examine the human body with an anal probe.
If you do, for some unknown and intensely personal reason, feel compelled to share your anal probe observations, make them quick and DO NOT follow your fascinating insights up with loud shouts of “Why you gotta shove a cattle prod in my a**?” while waving your hands in the air, pretending to fight off the aforementioned anal-probing aliens.
If, again, you feel compelled to share your observations and yell cattle prod comments, try with all your might NOT to finish this little skit with a thoughtful discussion of how you’ll beat the crap out of any aliens who attempt to probe your a**.
The problem with these actions, people, is that when combined with #2 on this list, they have a tendency to convince your already horrified date that you have some sort of strange anal fixation.
8. Do offer to buy your date a drink but do NOT wait until your THIRD Jack and Coke to mention that you are really cutting back on the drinking because of ALCOHOL-INDUCED HERNIATED ULCER THAT IS EATING THROUGH YOUR ESOPHAGUS!!
NOTE: Yes, I stuck around long enough for him to have 3 drinks, but really only to get more material for the blog I knew I’d be writing…he pretty much lost any chance he had with me after the tampon comment…it’s like Jerry Maguire in Bizarro World “You lost me at tampon…”
9. Do NOT steal straws from the bar and mention how you are going to cut them in half and sell them to the coke-heads in the bar where you work for a dollar a straw.
10. Do ask your date questions about her life but when she mentions that she has had plastic surgery to rebuild her nose because of a recent struggle with skin cancer, do NOT ask if she has any feeling left in her nose then joke “Cool, so I could punch you in the f**ing nose and you wouldn’t even feel it.”
That’s not even considered funny in the polygamy cult down in Texas.
11. Do NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES AT ANY TIME, try to recover from the plastic surgery joke by saying (and I quote!) “The only plastic surgery I want is BOTOX for my BALLS…you know to eliminate the wrinkles. I want them smooth like eggs.”
This, to be honest, not only guaranteed that I’ll never think of testicles in the same way but also kind of put me off eggs…