Here’s the thing: I
don't fly well.
And when I say I don't fly well, I don't mean that I run
around the yard, flapping my arms like some deranged bird, unsuccessfully
attempting to fly.
I mean that when I board a giant metal tube and prepare to
be hurtled across the skies at hundreds of miles per hour, I get a little nervous.
And when I say I get a little nervous, I mean I’m absolutely
convinced that, at any moment, the engine will malfunction and we’ll all plummet
to our fiery deaths.
A conviction I feel compelled to share with anyone sitting
around me.
Just doing my part to spread sunshine and joy wherever I go.
In any case, this is bad enough when I’m on a regular 747.
But now when I travel to Illinois to visit my family, I frequently fly the last
part of the trip on this little 10 seater plane:
It’s really convenient but it’s also HORRIFYING.
One of the things that always freaks me out is the fact
that, even though regular sized airplanes have lessened the restrictions on leaving
electronics on while you’re in the air, the little planes haven’t.
Apparently the
plane’s computer system is so sensitive that the tiniest signal from my phone
could rip through the circuitry like a virus and, of course, send us plummeting
to our fiery deaths.
So, when I traveled to Illinois last weekend and this young
guy (about 22 or so) kept sneaking his phone out to play with it, I almost
snatched it from him and beat him to death with it.
“Sir,” the pilot said. “Didn’t you hear the preflight
instructions? You have to turn your phone off.”
“Ok,” the guy said, put it in his pocket until the pilot
turned back around, then he got it out again.
It was like I was back in a high school classroom…and I
began having horribly violent fantasies about hitting him with the phone,
pouring water over the phone and electrocuting the moron, turning the phone
into the world’s largest suppository and shoving it right up the guy’s…well,
you probably get the picture.
Luckily, the pilot confiscated the moron’s phone before I
could do any lasting damage.
And, to show you just how clueless the moron was, after the
pilot took his phone, the moron looked at me and whined “Geez, that guy’s on a
power trip!”
At which point I put my hand in his face like a traffic cop
and said “WRONG AUDIENCE DUDE!”
When he started to protest, I said “If I was the pilot, I
would have taken it ten minutes ago and I would have SMASHED it." I said.
Then I smiled like I was kidding.
But I wasn’t kidding.
And I’m pretty sure the moron knew I wasn’t kidding because
he didn’t talk to me the rest of the flight.
Then, if that drama wasn't bad enough, when I was leaving Illinois and getting ready to board the little plane again, the guy in front of me in the security line got dragged out of the building in handcuffs.
I may never fly again.
Kimberly, I really think you should drive. I haven't flown for awhile now and you know what I don't miss it at all....
ReplyDeleteI should--but it's EIGHT HOURS back to Illinois. That's a looonnnggg time in the car!
ReplyDelete