Friday, December 11, 2015

Mutts, Murder Plots and Mayhem

This dog is trying to kill me.

Here’s what happened:

This afternoon, while I was attempting to take a shower, Bubba flung himself against the bathroom door and burst in like a fur-covered barking, crying bomb.

I, of course, assumed there was something horrifying occurring so jumped from the shower and grabbed my pepper spray like a soap-covered, naked Ninja, preparing to face the peril.

“It’s too perilous!” Bubba barked and attempted to run around me in a circle (difficult in the close confines of our bathroom) then sat in front of the door, crying, and trying to prevent my departure.

Nonetheless, determined to protect our other pets, our Christmas presents, and our home in general from whatever danger drove Bubba to this desperate course of action, I threw on a towel and snuck out of the bathroom, pepper spray in hand.

(Side note: yes, as a matter of fact, I do take my pepper spray into the bathroom when I shower. Why? FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION, THAT'S WHY!!)

Anyway, as soon as I had the pepper spray cocked and ready to go, I began sneaking through the house, looking for intruders. Meanwhile, Bubba trailed me from room to room, circling me and letting out the occasional whine.

And you know what the problem was?

The cat was sleeping in the middle of the dog bed.

The fact that I did not, in that moment, pepper spray Bubba is a testament to my strength of character

I would like to explain WHY a sleeping cat is cause for such a frantic response but I have no idea. And I can’t ask Bubba because we are currently not speaking. However, my theory is that this had nothing to do with the cat and is instead part of some nefarious plot to scare me into a heart attack..

So, in sum, dogs are clearly uncomfortable letting sleeping cats lie, nudity seems to impair my Ninja skills, and Bubba is either trying to kill me or punish me for dressing him in Christmas clothing or both.

If I wake up dead tomorrow, you all know who to blame.