National Irish Coffee Day And the Gym Police

I’m a little behind in sharing but we actually celebrated 2 different days last week. First of all, National Irish Coffee Day.

Another crazy easy day to celebrate…but not one that requires much description because it went like this:

Opie came home from work.

We drank Irish Coffee.

The end.

However, I REALLY needed the Irish coffee (not to mention chocolate and copious amounts of wine) due to my celebration of National Women’s Healthy Weight Day on January 24^th.

See, Opie and I joined a gym a few months ago. Because, let’s be honest, due to my devotion to things like Irish coffee, chocolate and red wine, I have not exactly been rocking the “healthy weight" the last few years.  So, we’ve been swimming 3 days a week, lifting weights, and the whole nine yards.

Unfortunately, Thursday, in spite of my dedication to National Women’s Healthy Weight Day, I had my first encounter with the “Gym Police.”

And, before all of you get scared that I committed some heinous violation of gym etiquette and was subsequently escorted from the weight room in disgrace, let me assure you that by “Gym Police” I, of course, mean Overbearing-Annoying-Old-Guy-Who-Appointed-Himself-Personal-Protector-Of-His-Gym-Space.

I have to warn you though, the rest of this blog is not exactly a testament to my emotional maturity.

Here’s what happened:

I went to work out during the day without Opie. And as I was struggling through, deaming about Irish coffee and chocolate, I noticed this older guy about my dad‘s age was walking around, talking to different people. But I didn’t pay any attention to him at first. What I was paying attention to is which machines other people were working on because I know that some people (*cough* Opie *cough*) are very particular about doing things in a specific order. Like if they do the leg curl machine, they immediately want to follow that with the leg extension and if you inadvertently jump in and start extending while they’re curling, you may become the clueless subject of glares and under-the-breath insults.

It is interesting to note that saying things like “Dude, chill, I’ll be done in like 2 minutes.” Does not noticeably alleviate the eye-rolling.

 In any case, I really don’t care about following a certain order, I am more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gym gal, and I just want to use machines that nobody else was about to jump on. But I guess my meandering caught the old guy’s attention because he came over and said hello.  Ever the paragon of politeness, I took out my headphones and said hello back.

“I’ve never seen you here before,” he said. “Are you new?”

“Not really,” I said. “I joined in November.”

Which, if I had been dealing with a normal person, should have been enough...but this was NOT enough for the gym policeman.

He stared at me suspiciously, clearly thinking that I spend my time running around Tulsa sneaking into gym after gym pretending to be a member. "I've never seen you before." he said again.

"That’s probably because I usually check in at the front desk," I explained sweetly. "I wasn’t aware that I also needed to come find you and check in.” And I smiled as if I found this whole situation hilarious.

Note: I did NOT find this hilarious.

“Did you take a long break over Christmas?” He demanded. 

At this point I began to be afraid that, instead of a Self-Appointed Gym Policeman, he was some Past His Prime Player, hoping to relive his glory days, hitting on women half his age at the gym.

"Yes," I said, making a mental note to start wearing the snorkel mask & swim cap I swim in into the weight room. 

What is this? A full face snorkel, of course!
Do I wear it at the gym? Yep, every time I swim.
Clearly, I have evolved from my high school days
when appearance was everything.

Then I said, "My HUSBAND and I have family out of town."

But never fear, he didn't have loving on his mind. His concern was gym space.

"I just hope you're not one of those Six Week Wonders," he said. "You know, the people who show up at the beginning of the year, hog the machines then stop coming."

Which is when I got fed up.

I gave him my best "You're Just Lucky I'm Scared of Prison" stare and, in my most sarcastic voice, said "Considering the warm welcome you're spreading all over the place, I can't imagine why new people wouldn't feel right at home."

And then DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?

He made my LEAST FAVORITE NOISE IN THE WORLD. That low in the throat “uhhh” sound that indicates the person clearly feels the right to be put out, even when he is completely in the wrong!

It's a wonder I didn't pick up a free weight and hit him right in the nose.

Instead I said "You need to go away now." and, when he started to say something else, I very dramatically held up my headphones and shoved them back in my ears.

In retrospect, not my proudest moment but you know what? He went away.

In any case, since I’m always here for friends and family, I've crafted a few responses for you to use, should you also be new to they gym and encounter a Gym Policeman.

THE ULTRA AGGRESSIVE RESPONSE:

 Old guy "Are you new?"

You "What are you, some kind of freak show? Some bully who thinks he owns the gym? ARE YOU?! BECAUSE YOU BETTER BACK OFF OLD MAN!" Then, of course, threaten him with a knuckle sandwich.

(Be warned, this behavior is likely to result in you being banned from the gym)

THE OBFUSCATION RESPONSE 

 Old guy "Are you new?"

You (in confused voice) Are you serious? Of course, I'm not new. We talked about this YESTERDAY! Are you ok?

THE GRADE SCHOOL RESPONSE

Old guy "Are you new?"

You: I'm not new, you're new!

Old guy: No, I'm not!

You: Are too!

Old guy: Am not!

(This is likely to go on for awhile, only choose this option if you are prepared to go the distance)

THE PREEMPTIVE RESPONSE

Don't wait for the old guy to approach you, storm around the gym, stopping everyone over 40 and demand to know if they're new.

(Be warned, this is another behavior that might get you banned)

  

The most important things to remember, however, is that you shouldn’t let one officious old guy keep you from celebrating your healthy weight goals…and you should ALWAYS have Irish coffee on hand in case they try!