Monday, November 12, 2012

A Slightly Neurotic Look At The Election

This is not a political rant. First of all, I think we’ve all had enough of angry politics and are obviously moving toward a more unified society.

Ok, that was a little hard for me to write without laughing…the real reason that this is not a political rant is because I am a liberal living in one of the most conservative states in the Union…a state in which we not only allow “concealed carry” of weapons but have recently legalized “open carry” so people don’t have to go to all the trouble of hiding their guns in their pockets. I’ve gotten used to NOT fully expressing my liberal views in public…largely because I don’t want to be shot.

So this is not a rant. It’s just that I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately about the highlights of the election and campaign and decided to review my personal highs and lows of the 2012 race.

Adventure 1 was registering to vote…which shouldn’t be that hard a task as it is supposed to be accomplished when you get your driver’s license. But getting my new driver’s license was a HERCULEAN task that involved much cursing, threatening, yelling and storming from government buildings in a huff. There was, in fact, so much drama that it was the subject of not one but two separate blog posts:

In any case, here are the other adventures that are likely to occur when you are slightly neurotic and living through an election year:

1.Read disturbing article—rife with grammatical errors—on friend’s Facebook page about Obama’s “secret agenda to start a race war.”

Wonder if friend is losing her marbles.

Realize that surprising number of friends—conservative and liberal alike—are losing their marbles and posting links to articles of questionable veracity.

Nod understandingly when husband suggests that fact-checking every article posted on Facebook is excessive but feel responsibility to continue since are clearly only sane person left in crazy world.

Continue to fact check…but never do anything with information except scream it at husband when he walks in door after work.

Agree that it is perhaps time to A. Lay off the caffeine and B. Interact with other human beings. Begin job search.

2.Research candidates in new state...get sidetracked by article about Senate candidate from former state (Todd Akin) and his views on “legitimate rape.” Spend rest of afternoon in white-hot rage and begin screaming at husband as soon as he walks in door—as if he coached Todd Akin for interview—explaining all the things would like to do to Akin.

Shout “You know what I’d do if I met that jackass? I’d punch him right in the face, as hard as I could. Right in the face! Then I’d ask if he was in legitimate pain or if his body has some way of shutting that whole thing down.”

Shadow-box around living room, demonstrating practically professional punching technique.

Shadow-box around husband-who dared to laugh at punching technique-shouting things like “What are you talking about? I’m like Muhammad Ali...I’m a freaking Ninja…I’m Muhammad Al Ninja!”

Admit that, perhaps, vodka and Sprite is not an appropriate substitute for caffeine.

3. Secure job at local university. Tell Composition student that she cannot write a persuasive, fact-based research paper on the topic “President Obama is Going To Hell.” Laugh and add that girl also cannot write paper on topic “Teacher Is Going To Hell.”

Realize that girl doesn’t think are funny AT ALL…and possibly believes are going to hell.

Listen to girl complain in loud whisper that liberal atheists are ruining the country for God-fearing Christians.

Wonder in louder whisper “Who was it that said ‘Judge not lest you yourself be judged? Wait, wasn’t that CHRIST?” Smile and add “Book of Matthew, Chapter Seven Verse 1.”

Feel decidedly un-Christian glee as girl storms from room in a huff.

4.Watch debates with husband in effort to nudge him out of his political apathy.

Realize with horror that husband is NOT politically apathetic after all…is politically VITRIOLIC , hating all politicians with equal fervor…listen to husband shout “Lying scum!” and “Thieves, They’re all thieves!” at random intervals.

Suspect that part of this rage is because NHL is still in lockout and husband is going through hockey withdrawal…but suggest that perhaps he is the one who should lay off the caffeine.

5.Take advantage of early voting option…realize that half of the people in town are also taking advantage of early voting option. Drive around block four times to find parking space. Miraculously squeeze tiny car into space—miraculous since are worst parallel parker in history of parallel parking—and dash for building.

Wait in line for twenty minutes, vote quickly, and attempt to leave but become blocked by irate woman who is being refused a ballot because she has no identification or voter registration card.

Wonder if woman has pierced eardrums with shriek “But I’ve lived here my WHOLE LIFE!”

Sidle around woman, go out to car, and realize that some moron has parked huge truck immediately behind own car, literal inches from bumper, in order to get parking place. Two cars that had been in front of car are luckily gone now so this is just annoying not incapacitating.

Grasp the irony of own life as screaming woman from polling center storms toward moronically-parked truck. Decide not to further irritate already insanely furious woman—for now—and don’t mention truck.

Realize woman has witnessed head-shaking and muttering of “What kind of moron…” as she walked up since she immediately shouts, “It’s not like you left me a lot of room!”

Ignore mental warnings and observe “There were two cars ahead of me when I got here and there’s about six more feet of space behind your car.”

Listen to woman snap angrily, “I can park anywhere I want, this is AMERICA.”

Wisely wait until are inside car to lean out window and call “Hey, did you know in AMERICA you need IDENTIFICATION to vote?”

Speed away giggling like a lunatic.

6.Watch election returns and shout play-by-play results at husband who is searching online for news of the NHL lockout.

Calm husband after he discovers that recent reports of the end of the lockout are bogus.

Promise not to yell results of election up to husband as he retreats to bed.

Find promise impossible to keep when Akin is defeated.

7.Realize that, because live in very conservative place now, EVERY SINGLE STATE AND LOCAL CANDIDATE voted for LOST.

Decide not to get upset…because this is America and sometimes that’s the way it goes.

kimbo325 is a writer and teacher who is laughing her way through life. She loves America, her husband, and wishes the hockey lockout would end already! She would love to tweet with you on Twitter at kimbo325 or talk to you on Facebook at

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