Friday, November 30, 2012

The Mystery is Even More Mysterious

Ok, I’m horrified to report that the mystery has NOT been solved…and I fear it never will.

(For those of you just tuning in, for the last week, there has been an old lady sitting in the back of one of my student’s cars….and it’s weird…you can read the full story here:

In any case, she was there again Friday morning as I was walking in the building…and I couldn’t even take a picture because I was walking in with my mentor teacher and she didn’t seem to think it was odd at all…even when I said “Do you see that lady? She’s just sitting in the back of that car.”

My mentor shrugged and continued telling me about this dream she had in which she was teaching a history lesson by mistake and I didn’t want to press the issue because she already thinks I’m a little paranoid after the unfortunate “weird welder on campus” issue (

Clearly, this mentor/mentee relationship is NOT based on deep-seated mental connection…

In any case, I went to my classroom and waited impatiently for the kid to show and pounced on him when he walked in the door. “I thought you’d be here today,” I said. “I just saw your car outside.”

And he nodded in that “I’m in college now, most teachers don’t quiz me about attendance” kind of way.” But I pressed on because, seriously, I’m desperate to know what’s going on.

“Did you know there’s someone in your car?” I asked. “Sitting in the back?”

“Ohhh, yah.” He said.

I think he was going to leave it at that but felt a little awkward—and possibly a little afraid—of the intense way I was staring at him.

“She’s, you know, a friend.” He said lamely.

I said “Yah, of course” but I was thinking, “No, I don’t know…I’m not friends with any people three or four times my own age!”

Possibly because people four times my own age are all dead.

In any case, I had to let it go because it was time to start class and everyone was already staring at me like I’m some kind of creeper…but as soon as class was over, I flew from the building like I’d been shot from a gun…but again couldn’t take a picture because the kid was right behind me…

Now, if I were still teaching high school, this would be an easy fix. I’d go to the school resource officer, say “Hey there’s a woman sitting in the car in the parking lot.” They’d go check things out, I’d go back to my room and wait for an email letting me know what had happened.

And, for a second, I considered going over to the security office and seeing what they could do…except I had a feeling that conversation would go a little like this:

Me: There’s an old woman sitting in the back of a student’s car.

Officer (in confused tone): Is the woman bothering you, ma’am?

Me: Well, yah. The fact that I can’t figure out WHY she’s sitting there is bothering me…it’s bothering me a lot. In fact, it’s driving me eight kinds of crazy.

Officer: I mean, is she threatening you in some way? Are you afraid of her for some reason?

Which is when I’d probably get all insulted and say “No, I’m not afraid of her…I mean, I know I’m not in the best shape but I think I can outrun an octogenarian."

Then I’d probably have to explain what an octogenarian is…and I’d probably do it in a snotty tone, and the officers would get annoyed and tell me they couldn’t help and I’d lose it and shout “Are you telling me you’re just going to let a complete stranger sit in a student’s car? What kind of security officers are you?”

Then they’d demand to know how I knew it was a student’s car in the first place…and they’d decide that I was some kind of creepy stalker and all of a sudden, I’d be the one getting hauled off to jail.

And if there’s one place that I’m SURE my humor wouldn’t be appreciated, it’s jail. I think I’d last five or six minutes before I cracked wise with another inmate and got shanked.

I’d like to solve this mystery but not if it means MY DEATH…and today is the last day of the semester, and I can’t think of a single way to find out more…and every theory I come up with is more and more outlandish…the woman is an elderly prostitute, plying her trade in the car and the kid is embarrassed to have been caught…the kid is secretly famous and the woman is a bodyguard in disguise…the kid’s entire family has been taken hostage and he can’t afford to pay the ransom and the kidnappers are patient enough to wait until he’s out of college and earning money to get paid but they send the woman as a lookout…

Seriously, people, I’m losing it.

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