It's Called MANNERS.

People always say “Kimberly, you should write a book.” And I’ve finally decided the perfect book for me to write:

An Etiquette Book.

Not one of those ridiculous etiquette books that tell you which fork to use and how to phrase the perfect thank-you note, but a useful one that tells you how to deal with real situations in the modern world.

And this might be the first chapter:

If you are boarding a plane this size (imagine an elevator with wings):

AND you’re obnoxious enough to bring a big, smelly sandwich on board with you (which, as was noted earlier, is like pulling out a sandwich while trapped on an elevator)…

AND there are 3 open seats…

AND two of those seats are single seats where you can sit and munch your smelly sandwich in solitude…

DO NOT plop your smelly sandwich-eating self down next to a woman who is so caught up in imagining the plane plummeting to earth in a fiery explosion that she shouldn’t have to also be assaulted by sandwich stench.

It is interesting to note that this will be an etiquette book not a grammar book yet I still feel compelled to point out that I deliberately did not put a comma between “smelly” and “sandwich-eating” thus indicating that smelly is modifying sandwich, not self. I am not suggesting that SHE was smelly, just her SANDWICH…but I digress…

More to the point, if for some obnoxious and deeply personal reason, you feel compelled to bring your sandwich into the airborne elevator AND sit next to an already horrified woman, please remember that it is the worst form of bad manners to, as you are gnoshing away on your sandwich, brush the crumbs off YOUR lap and ONTO the lap of the already horrified woman. Particularly if you follow this up with nothing more than an “oops.”

The problem with this is, obviously, the horrified woman will then be forced to stop praying that the plane will not plummet to earth in a fiery explosion and spend the rest of the trip imagining ways to “accidentally” trip you as you deplane.

Which, considering it’s entirely possible that the horrified woman’s prayers are the only thing keeping the plane in the air, is bad for everyone involved.

Now that I think about it, it’s kind of hard to decide if I should call this book “Modern Etiquette” or “People Who Should Be Punched In The Face.”