Saturday, November 8, 2014

Tell Me Lies

Well, I had my stomach procedure this week and I have to say, it went MUCH better than the endoscopy. I think that’s due to the following 3 things:

1.       I took a pregnancy test that morning.

2.       Opie took charge. When we arrived (20 minutes early again!), he confronted the receptionist immediately and said “Her appointment’s at 11:00, right? That’s what you have down? 11:00?”

Although it is interesting to note that as we were waiting, this other patient demanded to know what the hold up was, she was supposed to have her procedure at 10:30 and the receptionist said “We had you down  for 11:30.” 

Since it is difficult to believe that anyone could constantly make the same mistake and still be employed, I have decided that this is some bizarre tactic she uses when the doctors start to get behind.

In any case, the final reason that this experience was so much better than the endoscopy was:

3.       The nurse I had was an excellent liar. It wasn’t the same nurse I had last time and she listened when I said no one could get an IV in my arm. It did take her 2 tries to get it in my hand but that didn’t really irritate me because A. It always takes at least 2 tries to get an IV anywhere in my body and (more importantly) B. As she was trying to get it into my hand she kept saying things like “It’s hard because you’re so tiny. You need more meat on your bones. You’re just so little.”

Which is a big fat lie.

But here’s the thing, call me skinny and you can jab needles in my arm with reckless abandon.

It’s embarrassing but apparently true.

However, please don’t think that this means the entire experience was without typical Kimbo drama. And there were 2 big reasons for that.

1.       Opie is a TERRIBLE liar. When we got home and I was slowly working my way out of the anesthesia fog, he reported everything the doctor told him after the procedure…that one of my bile ducts was really constricted, that they had performed a sphincterotomy (which, when you’re slowly working your way out of an anesthesia fog, is a hilarious word and must be repeated in different voices, different tones and with different syllables emphasized a least 5 times) to widen the duct, and that this might have been the source of the problem.

“Might have been?” I asked. “It MIGHT have been the source of the problem?”

“He couldn’t say for sure,” Opie reported honestly. “There’s about a fifty-fifty chance. He hopes that it is, though, because if it’s not we’re basically back to square one.” 

“He did NOT say that!” I yelled. “Tell me that he did not say that there is a fifty percent chance that he still has no idea what’s wrong with me?!”

“No…well, kind of… I mean he thinks it could be…it probably is.”

I know honesty is one of the most important elements in a marriage but there’s something to be said for a convincing white lie now and then.

2.       God has a sense of humor. I woke up Wednesday morning with a terribly sore throat, which is understandable since I had spent an hour with a tube shoved down my esophagus on Tuesday. The fever, however, was a little harder to explain. Until I opened my school email and read a message from a student (who I had been working with on Monday) letting me know that he would be out on Wednesday due to a nasty case of strep throat.

I’ll leave my reaction to that news to your imagination (hint: there was swearing involved) but I will mention that I’ve been in bed swilling down antibiotics all week.

And maybe it’s still the anesthesia talking but sometimes I think I can hear God giggling and saying “Here’s some blog material for you!”

 I just hope He cured my stomach issues at the same time.

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