Yesterday, I noticed a lump on my foot.
That’s right, my foot.
I have a small, painful lump on the bottom of my left foot…a small round white spot with a dark dot in the middle. And, after careful internet research, I have decided it’s one of two things:
1. A plantar wart
2. A splinter
The only way to be sure is to wait awhile and see if the spot changes at all.
If it’s a plantar wart, according to the pictures I have spent most of the morning nearly puking over, it will spread across my foot in what WebMD calls a “mosaic” and I call leperous patches, turning my foot into a twisted, gruesome shadow of its former self.
If it’s a splinter, it will undoubtedly get driven deeper and deeper into my skin with every step I take, eventually reaching my bloodstream, festering and rotting and spreading gangrene, again turning my foot into a twisted, gruesome shadow of its former self.
And this, my friends, is what hypochondria looks like.