Thursday, February 7, 2013

Happy Valentine's Gay


**This post originally appeared in 2013 as part of  a challenge to write about your "Most Memorable Valentine's Day"**

Since Opie and I have only been married a year and a half people are probably expecting me to write sort of a sappy, emotional tribute to the ultimate fabulosity of our lives together.  But sappy emotional tributes aren’t my style (unless, sadly, I’m writing about Peek-A-Boo, The Amazing Miracle Dog) and, besides, if I wrote that kind of public post about Opie, he’d break out in a rash…
So, instead, "The most memorable Valentine's Day I had was when I had the WORST VALENTINE’S DAY DATE EVER."

It was about 4 years ago; I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I hadn’t reconnected with Opie yet.  I was a little down and crabbing about how it sucks to be alone on Valentine’s Day.

Then I learned what sucks worse: Having a so-called friend set you up on a date on Valentine’s Day with a gay guy.

I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, like maybe she didn’t KNOW he was gay…but that would mean that she’d never spent more than five minutes in his presence…and I don’t know which bothers me more: that she set me up with a gay guy or that that she set me up with a complete stranger.

For the record, he didn’t actually come out and SAY that he was gay…but he was.

And for those of you who are horrified at my lack of political correctness, for my cruel pre-judgmental outing, please note that my friend Eric has already lectured me on my blatant breach of the liberal code.  He has reminded me that sexuality is a deeply personal issue and one of the few things in life that a person is allowed to self-identify. 

And then, after I told him the following story, he said “Yahhhhh, that guy’s gay.”

First of all, he was more feminine than I am—and I consider myself a fairly girly girl.  Second, he couldn’t keep his eyes off our waiter.   I’m not exactly Sherlock Holmes but when one man blatantly and continuously checks out another man’s perky behind, I suspect more than a passing interest. 

Which, in itself, isn’t definitive.  But then he turned every conversation into an oblique reference to the “desperately immoral lifestyle” he had previously been involved in.

Like I asked him how he knew my friend Sarah (who arranged this travesty of an evening) and he said he met her when he joined the same church she’s a member of.  “It saved me,” he said.  “I had immersed myself in a desperately immoral lifestyle.” And then he nodded meaningfully and took another peek at our waiter’s butt.

I decided not to pursue that and instead changed the subject and asked about hobbies.  At which point I learned that he has taken up running because he had to quit his gym after giving up his “desperately immoral lifestyle.”

And so on.  After about the tenth reference to this lifestyle, it was pretty obvious he wanted me to ask what it had been.

So, I sighed and asked “Drugs?”

“Worse!” He said.

“Murder?”  I suggested.  “Paid assassin?”

And then, like he was in some horrible over-stereotyped movie, he put his fingers in front of his mouth and tee-heed daintily.

It was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever been forced to witness.
“Not that bad,” he giggled. “But close.”

Which I thought was incredibly sad—I mean, come on!  If you’re gay and your top ten list of evils in the world goes:

1.   Murder

2.  Homosexuality

I think you have some pretty deep-seated emotional issues. 

But I also think you shouldn’t be dating WOMEN.
Anyway, he looked at me eagerly, waiting for me to ask more.

And you know what?
I didn’t do it.

Instead I smiled and said “Good for you for getting out of it, whatever it was.” Then I told him I had to go.

Because Eric is right, sexuality IS a deeply personal issue and not one you should discuss on a first date.



24 comments:

  1. As a Fag Hag, I am jealous of you. I want to go on a date with a gay guy on Valentine's Day. Jealous.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. If I'd been in a better emotional place myself, I probably would have tried to talk him about it and be more suportive because it is really sad...I can't imagine living my whole life hiding "the real me."

      Delete
  3. Sucks for you both, but mostly for him. what a shitty way to live!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreed...how depressing to dislike yourself so much!

      Delete
  4. A date with a gay guy is fun if he's out of the closet and you can discuss the waiter's butt in great detail...not so much when he's in denial about his sexuality

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My friend Eric and I used to go to shows in Forest Park in St. Louis, sit in the top row, and use binoculars to check out all the guys in the audience-that was fun!

      Delete
  5. I'm a fag hag too. I love my boys. The perfect date. I'm your newest follower here and on FB. Great stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow, that is totally memorable and seriously could have had that happen to me, because I dated so many crazy guys before my husband that I was starting to think that was all the xisted out there. Thank you as always for thinking up with us and truly great post!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honestly, I was single for such a long time, I think I dated every type of crazy in the world...this guy was more sad than weird but there were plenty of weirdos out there!

      Delete
  7. Blind dates are like camping, they always produce a memorable story. That guy needed a blog, so he could spill his guts to the world. Blogs are the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please go to www.cafepress.com immediately and make a bumper sticker, a t-shirt, or both. That line is priceless.

      Delete
    2. Ditto Jen's comment--that's awesome!

      Delete
  8. Whenever I fumble over something not being politically correct, I use Seinfeld's line and say, "Not that there's anything wrong with that." Then I feel like I smoothed it over. You were nice to still be there after the 10th reference. I would have gone to the bathroom and disappeared. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    FTSF!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that line from Seinfeld...well, honestly, almost any line from Seinfeld! And I probably would have bailed if he hadn't been a friend of a friend...still can't believe she set me up with him!

      Delete
  9. Well, at least he didn't order desert and try to feed it to you from behind while calling you Chuck.
    You should be thankful that that's your worst date. I once had a guy freak out about aliens following him. That was right before he threw all of his food at me...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well, I can understand your frustration of going on a date with a guy who has no interest in you, let alone any woman. I hope he finally accepted his own preferences and stopped dating women. I'm sure you're glad your dating days are behind you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh no! That "immoral lifestyle" bit made me cringe! That poor, repressed man! Hope he's made his peace and come out already. That does make for a great story,though. Your friend Eric sounds pretty awesome and wise, and yeah, there's no chance you were wrong about your date. Thanks for linking up with FTSF today!

    ReplyDelete
  12. ha! I did a two-fer too!

    I loved going out with my gay boyfriends back in my single days - but crushing on them was tough. At least I knew what I was getting into!

    ReplyDelete
  13. That's hilarious! I got stuck in college by a couple of my female neighbors one night. We'd gone out for a pizza, and they saw a bunch of guys they knew. We were having a good time, so they invited everyone to my place to continue the party. After an hour or so, the two girls left, and I was stuck with 7 new friends at my place. It was then I learned all were gay. A twenty three year old, in the midwest, in the 70's, made for one nervous youngster of the times. When it was found out I was straight, jokes were made and the evening continued for about another hour before all had left. I learned a lesson that night. Never prejudge people because of their lifestyle ... and never trust two female friends that love to joke! lol Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  14. omg...that is hilarious. So far with whatever I have read, this one aced the best valentine day ever :))

    I am happy that you too laugh about it :)

    ReplyDelete