Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I Might Be A Redneck


I spent this weekend on The Current River with a group of friends from Quincy---the group gets smaller every year, I can’t figure out why. I’m sure my shenanigans have nothing to do with it.

But make no mistake; there were shenanigans. There were shenanigans, there was brouhaha, there was hullabaloo…there was no hanky and no panky but there were many moments when I asked myself “When did I actually become redneck, hoosier, white trash?”

At least I was not alone; my friends were equally as trashy…but we worked our way up to it…see, since we all live in different places, we were supposed to meet at the Current River. Unfortunately, after I got my whole car loaded and ready to go, it wouldn’t start---and no amount of cussing, kicking or crying made a damn bit of difference. I called just about everyone I could think of to come and start this ridiculous car but nothing worked. So, I called my friends back home and said I wasn’t going to be able to go. They packed quickly, hopped in their car and drove an hour and a half out of their way to take me down to the river.

This was the one and only uplifting moment of the whole trip.

Most of the rest of the drive was filled with people (not me) spitting chicken bones out the window, blaming flatulence on other passengers, and the designated driver screaming things like “You drunk idiots, I will turn this car around!!”

So we got to our campsite and had to set up in the dark. Ever see a bunch of drunk morons trying to set up camp in the dark? Plus the only person not drinking (the driver) was a little annoyed with us and shouted many things that could be interpreted as instructions but weren’t all anatomically possible.

But we made it and got on the river bright and early the next morning. We all brought breakfast to eat on the run but I have to say my orange jello shots were the biggest hit….

Vodka; it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I think the moment that I realized all of my friends were redneck hoosier white trash was when my friends Henry and Julie tipped their canoe and all of us—including Henry—frantically saved the beer and left Julie floundering in the river.

I think the moment I realized I personally was acting like redneck hoosier white trash was when Henry tried three times to grab a Jello shot, missed and I got frustrated, grabbed a handful and threw them in his mouth yelling “Oh for the love of heaven, let me do it you weak--handed bastard!”

This doesn’t seem so bad unless you realize that Henry only has one hand.

In my defense, Henry did think this was one of the funniest things he’d ever heard. He laughed so hard he dropped his paddle and almost fell out of his canoe.

The people sailing by, on the other hand, looked at me like I was, well, the biggest example of redneck hoosier white trash that they’d ever seen--especially after Henry dropped his paddle and I yelled “Hook it, Henry, hook it!”

It was a new low….I’m so ashamed.

The next time I tipped, however, Henry thought it was funny to scream “Two hands aren’t helping you now, are they???”

After all this excitement, I did decide that a nap might be in order and I realized that if I hooked my legs around the side of the canoe and slid my paddle between the cross bars, I could actually lie down and have a nice little snooze as we floated down the river…I asked my canoe partner if I could use his paddle to further balance my head and he said “Don’t you think at least ONE OF US should paddle?”

I think there was some sort of criticism implied in this remark but I chose not to think about it too hard…

There are further stories, many of them worse, but I am out of time. I will end by saying car trouble sucks, my friends are great, and alcohol is the devil….


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