N Is For Naturist

N Is For Naturist

Which probably sounds like a person who is interested in nature but is actually a person who embraces a nudist lifestyle.

That's right:

Naturist, a noun, a person who embraces the nudist lifestyle.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a naturist myself but I have no problem with them. Live and let live, I always say.

However, I do have one rule that I think applies to naturists:

When you run a bed and breakfast winery that is ALSO a naturist retreat, I think you should mention that on your website.

If you’re not going to mention it on your website, then, when a nice woman from Oklahoma calls to make reservations for a romantic weekend for her and her husband, you should probably find a way to slip it into the conversation.

True Story. Last summer I thought I was booking a romantic getaway for Opie and my anniversary and I was actually booking us a weekend at Club Nude…or Naturist.

No, the hosts didn’t (thank God!) greet us at the door in all their naked glory…but there were brochures exhorting the benefits of the Naturist lifestyle (with pictures!) liberally spread all over the entire building. And there was a big sign over the hot tub that said “No swimsuits allowed in the hot tub.” And every item of clothing the hostess did wear had some sort of slogan about being naked. And there were a bunch of nude decorations. And all of their wine names had some variation of the word naked in it (though to be fair, the Naked Cowboy was pretty tasty).  

And they kept assuring us we could take our clothes off anytime. "If you want," they said about 10 times. "Whatever you're comfortable with, whatever you want."

What I wanted was NOT to debate nudity with STRANGERS who were older than my parents.

"This,"said Opie as we were driving away, "was the weirdest vacation ever."

And call me a prude, it didn’t feel natural at all.