World Naked Gardening Day

May 4^th is World Naked Gardening Day.

To answer the questions that I’m sure are in everyone’s minds:

1. Yes, that’s WORLD not National. It’s clearly a big deal.

2. Yes, it’s a real thing. It was started in 2005 by the same naturalists who created the World Naked Bike Ride…which sounds painful in ways I don’t even want to contemplate.

3. No, while I can’t speak definitively for Opie, I really do not think anyone will be cavorting around the gardens here at the Yates Estates in the raw. First of all, we’re moving and don’t have much of a garden this year. Second, I have to go to see my surgeon on Monday for a follow up procedure and if 

I show up with any sign that I’ve been out in the sun, I’m pretty sure his head will pop right off. So, the only way I’m participating in World Naked Gardening Day is if first I slather myself from head to toe with Zinc like an overzealous lifeguard from 1985.

And even then, I’d still have to wear a hat…and not just any hat, one of these over-sized, not at all fashionable of flattering, shades your entire face, kind of hats.

Don’t get me wrong, I love hats.  I wear hats all time, I always have – as evidenced by this photo montage of some of my favorite hats through the years:

 The thing is, these hats don’t give my face the kind of coverage I need – my doctor has told me over and over that if I want my scars to fade, I absolutely can not allow them in direct sunlight. So the other day I ordered THIS hat:

  

Which may not seem completely horrible – even if it does have a brim that is roughly the size of a small country.  But check out the other features:

So your neck—another prime skin cancer danger zone—is fully covered.

And don’t even get me started on the veil-like face covering…

It is interesting to note that, if your significant other is screaming about how the new hat she has to wear is ridiculous, you should NOT try to cheer her up by saying “It looks good…it looks like you’re on safari.” Trust me, she will NOT find this flattering, will definitely respond with offensive profanity and might even cry.

And let me share the other weird thin about this hat – I heard about it from some other ladies who have had this procedure. They said it’s one of the few hats that really makes them feel comfortable being outside and they even sent me a link. Where I learned that this fabulous hat is recommended for shopping, tourism, running – you name the activity, this hat will keep you protected from the sun during it…except, do you notice anything strange about these ads?

                    

Anything?  Anything that seems a bit off??

Like the fact that NO ONE in the ads is actually wearing the hat???  The hat is so freaking ridiculous, they couldn’t get a paid model to slap it on FOR THE AD IN WHICH THEY WERE TRYING TO GET YOU TO BUY IT.

This is what I’ve been reduced to – fashion accessories so objectionable the best advertisement for them is NOT wearing them.

But, as usual, I digress. I was going to talk about World Naked Gardening Day…as I said, it was started in 2005. Why? Because, according to surveys done by a bevy of believers of being in the buff, gardening was second only to swimming as an activity people most enjoyed doing naked.

Which I find mildly horrifying…do these people not have roses and other thorny plants? Are they unaware that the garden can often be filled with insects that sting and bite?

And the original concept of the day was NOT to frolic amongst your own foliage with your fanny free of festive fashion. The original concept was described as kind of “guerilla prankster.” In which you were actually supposed to drive around different neighborhoods, then jump out of the car at random locations and weed, water, or otherwise tend someone else’s garden—NAKED.

Why this never caught on is a mystery for the ages.

In any case, as I said, we have no current plans to participate in this particular holiday. But if you hear a news story in which a slightly chubby middle-aged woman. naked except for a comically large hat and a painted on layer of white zinc, is arrested for drive by gardening, you can be assured that I have, in fact, finally snapped.

Enjoy the holiday everyone but feel free NOT to share pics.