Here's the thing, if you know me at all, you know that I take our Christmas card waaayyyy too seriously. I dress the animals in ridiculous outfits:
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I even bribe Opie to wear matching outfits or slap him in a Ralphie pink bunny suit a la The Christmas Story.
I think it's full on AWESOME...Opie allows as how he thinks it's a touch over the top.
Anyway, this year was no exception. I loaded up the dogs with treats, fed Opie beer with reckless abandon, and waited until Prince was so woozy from sleeping in the sun that I could toss some antlers on him without too much loud yowling (no fear, animal lovers, they are yowls of pure enthusiasm. This is a cat who LOVES costumes, I assure you) and got everyone dressed as hilarious reindeer.
Anyway, we got some great pictures and I foolishly thought the hard part was over.
Until I tried to ORDER the cards.
Here's what happened:
I got online bright and early for the Cyber Monday sale which included about 55% off, 10 free cards and free shipping.
Bam! I ordered 115 cards!
A few minutes later a confirmation email arrived which said I was getting 105 cards and 115 envelopes.
It didn’t mention the 10 free cards, didn't say they were included in the cards—nothing.
Since, as I mentioned, I get a little more emotionally invested in our Christmas cards than the average bear, I immediately freaked out.
Luckily, they have a helpline so I called it, waited forever to get through, got put on hold, got asked if I wanted a callback instead of waiting, get assured by a robot lady that I wouldn’t lose my place on line and heard that my waiting time is approximately 10 minutes. I reluctantly selected this option and waited an hour to actually talk to a real live person.
So, let’s be honest, I started the conversation ever so slightly incensed.
I explained everything that I just explained above and the girl on the other line said “I see you ordered 105 cards...”
Me (trying to be nice) “No. I ordered 115 because I need 115.”
Her (clearly not listening) "If you need to change your order, you can always cancel this one and re-order in the correct amount.“
Me “Actually, I can’t cancel this order. There’s a 30 minute window to cancel the order and I’m way past that because it took over an hour to talk to someone.”
Her “Well, you could always just order 10 more cards....”
Me “No. As I’m sure you know, your company does tiered discounts for cards so ordering just 10 would be a lot more expensive per card. Plus 10 cards wouldn't be eligible for free shipping. So buying 10 more cards now would essentially cost me three times as much as if they were on the original order — which they already should have been BECAUSE I ORDERED 115 CARDS. There’s been a mistake here and I didn't make it. Something's gone wrong on YOUR END."
Her “I can probably go ahead and cancel that order for you even though it’s past the window.”
At which point I paused and reflected on how sad I am that I don't have one of those old rotary phones like my grandma used to so I could follow her example of slamming the receiver on the table four or five times in frustration and then pretending like I'd just dropped it.
Seriously, my grandma was hilarious.
Anyway, since I have an iPhone that is about as fragile as a wet Kleenex, slamming my phone against the table was out of the question, I settled for making obscene gestures at the screen and silently questioning how hard it would be to find this girl and punch her right in the throat.
Me (summoning a level of patience I didn't even know I had) “That really won't help since, as I said, the problem appears to be on YOUR END with the whole 10 free card promotion thing. So if you cancel it and I try to reorder everything, the same exact thing is going to happen because I'm going to use the exact same promotion."
Her “I can see you ordered 105 cards—“
Me “NO! That’s what I’m trying to explain. I ordered 115 cards. The order clearly says 115 envelopes and 105 cards. Which means there has to be some sort of mistake because it’s actually not possible to order more envelopes than cards.
Her “What’s that?”
Me (using my best patient teacher voice and not at all letting on that I was ready to hunt this girl down like wild game) "It’s not possible to order more envelopes than cards. I know this because I’ve tried. But your company has a completely unwarranted and unrealistic faith in my ability to fill out 115 Christmas cards without making a mistake so they will only send me as many envelopes as cards. Something else is happening here!!”
Her “If you’d like to cancel your order —“
Me: “Look, I’m trying really hard not to get nasty because I know you were not personally responsible for this mistake. I also know this is probably one your busiest days and things are pretty busy. So I'm trying to be nice but to be honest, I’m about three seconds from going 8 kinds of whack job crazy.”
Dramatic pause on her end then she said “Oh yes, here it is. 10 free cards, you’re right. You’re getting 115 cards.”
Unfortunately, I have a suspicious heart. Plus she was using that tone that indicated she thought I'd already gone 5 kinds of whack job crazy and was simply trying to get off the phone before I turned it up 3 more notches.
On a slightly unrelated note, I should probably question the life choices that have made me so familiar with the tone people use when dealing with a lunatic but I'll think about that tomorrow.
Anyway, as I was saying, I have a suspicious heart and she overcame her earlier confusion in a shockingly short time. Plus, I'm no lawyer but I watch A LOT of court TV. Therefore, when she said "Can I help you with anything else?" I responded "Yeah, I just need to get confirmation of that in writing."
And she said "Excuse me?"
Me, now using my best Judge Judy tone and, let's be honest, imagining myself on her show: "I need written confirmation that I'm getting the 115 cards that I ordered because the email I have says only 105 are being shipped. I just need something in writing so if only 105 cards arrive, I have some recourse without going through this whole hullaballoo again."
I think it's a testament to how worked up I was that yes, I actually used the word hullaballoo.
In any case, she said "I don't understand."
And then I did the dramatic pause thing and finally asked "Do you really not understand the words I just said or is it that you don't have the authority to send an email to me?"
The long and the short of it was, she's not involved in all this email-shemail business.
I hung up, considered a variety of violent options, considered alcoholic amelioration of my feelings--spent a brief second pondering how much I love the word ameliorate--and finally did what I should have done all along: got on Twitter. I sent the company a private message, indicated that as one who is familiar with the power of social media I understand exactly how vocal online complaints can cost a company business, and explained the whole thing again.
I got the email confirmation.
Even better, the 115 cards arrived, I'm getting them addressed, and with luck should have them in the mail tomorrow.
So, it's official -- it's the holiday season and these are the happiest holiday hounds (and cat) around!
And don't even get me started on this one, he is clearly chock full of Christmas cheer!
As I've said before, I bet he looks back on all those years he was single and just weeps about how boring his life used to be.
Happy Holidays everyone!
