The Scariest Woman Ever

If you've spent any time with me in the past few months, you know my phone has been a disaster.  Which is a problem because I am as attached to my phone as a teenager.  I have an iPhone 5 and it was one of those in the batch that had bad batteries. Unfortunately, when I took it in to the Apple store last year, the tech guy told me it wasn't bad enough to qualify for the free replacement.

This did not go over well.

Particularly since I can hold my breath longer than my phone can hold a charge.

"Take it back to the store again," Opie said after one particularly entertaining phone meltdown.  "See if it's bad enough now...but try to stay calm."

Which is so unfair. I am the soul of calm.  It's not my fault that people often confuse my stoicism for insane rage.

Anyway, first thing this morning, I headed over to the mall and actually got there 10 minutes before Apple even opened. And there was already a line to get in the door. Which I expected but it's still annoying because I hate lining up to GO INSIDE A STORE like it's some sort of concert or exclusive club.

However, as I said I was expecting it so I got in line and actually struck up a pleasant conversation with the older lady in front of me. She was my mom's age or a little older and was obviously a little uncomfortable with technology. She confessed that she'd never been in Apple before but was just there to pick up some "I thing" she had ordered for her grandson.  I told her not to worry about it, that she just needed to tell that to the Apple employee at the head of the line and he would send her in the right direction.

So all was right with the world... Until some jackass decided to showcase his talent for jackassery and tried to cut the line.

RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE OLDER LADY!!!

Who was a much nicer person than I could ever hope to be because she just kind of smiled at me and shrugged in that "what is the world coming to?" kind of way.

I didn't just shrug but I did decide to exercise some restraint and instead of yelling "What the hell is the matter with you?" I pretended like maybe the guy was just clueless and not a complete jerk. So I said, very politely, "Excuse me but the end of the line is over there." And pointed.

Unfortunately, the guy decided he WAS a complete jerk and snapped "I have an appointment!"

"That's great," I said. "But most of the people in this line have appointments. This lady you just stepped in front of has an appointment.  We're all just waiting in line to talk to the Apple guy to see which person we''re supposed to meet with."

And then he did the bad thing...the thing where instead of trying to actually explain, he just said the same thing again in a louder voice, stressing a different word. "I have an APPOINTMENT!"

"Not for the LINE." I told him. "You can make an appointment to the store but the line doesn't take appointments. You still have to wait in the same line as the rest of us to get checked in."

Then he just stood them, staring at me and making faces like he thought I was an idiot.

Wow do I hate it when people treat me like I'm an idiot. It causes me to get ever so slightly over-dramatic.

"Not jumping the line is an established rule of polite society!"I told him. "You can't just go around breaking the established rules of polite society!" Then, since his stare had changed from contempt to mild horror, I smiled and said "It'll be anarchy!"

And, since no one wants anarchy, he went to the end of the line...though, to be honest. that might have been more because all the other people in line were nodding and saying yeah than because he was actually swayed by my stellar logic.

Still, it was a victory.

So 20 minutes later I got in to see a tech of my own. I explained about my battery, said it was on the recall list and explained "I came in with it about a year ago and they did some diagnostic test and told me it wasn't quite bad enough to be replaced. Which surprised me because I thought it was pretty bad then."

"And it's worse now?" He asked.

"Now it sucks out loud," I told him. "People all over the mall probably hear how bad the phone is sucking even as we speak. Walking in from the parking lot, I sent two texts but otherwise have had no other applications on. The battery charge has gone down 30%"

"That's bad," he agreed. "But we still do have to do that diagnostic test."

"I understand," I said. "And I want you to know that I used to work in retail so I know what a pain it can be to deal with the public... And my husband is a computer programmer so I know how nasty people can be when they are having troubles with their technology."

"That's true," he said with a nice smile. "Thanks for understanding."

"Which is why," I went on sweetly "I really hate to tell you that if you say there's nothing wrong with this battery, you're going to be telling the story of this customer service experience for the rest of your life. And that story will always start with the sentence 'she was the scariest woman I've ever seen.'"

Then I smiled...though not quite as nicely as he had.

He pushed a couple buttons said he'd run the test--though it lasted about 1/10 of the time the previous diagnostic test took--then smiled again and said "Let's get you a new battery."

It's been a victorious day, make no mistake!