Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Rocks, Rocks and More Rocks

I found a rock in the garden.

And, if you don't know me and/or have never read this blog before, you are probably thinking "Wow! That has to be the most inane blog beginning of all time. What's next, a discussion of her grocery list?"

But if you know me at all, you know that this seemingly boring announcement was really the catalyst for drama that only a complete neurotic can appreciate.

Here's what happened:

I went out to the garden to pull out the last of the broccoli and Brussels Sprout plants. Then, because that section of the garden hasn't done very well this summer, I decided to dig a compost trench and spend the winter enriching the soil.

Except I hit a rock.

And not just any rock, but a Flintstones style, mammoth sized boulder that I couldn’t even lift and had to instead roll out of the hole.

“Holy crap, I told the dogs as I took a picture of the boulder. "That's the biggest freaking rock I've ever seen!"

The dogs, I'm pleased to report, were suitably impressed and immediately suggested that we celebrate by toasting the rock with dog treats and then peeing on it.

Unfortunately for them, I don’t like dog treats and I almost never urinate in public. Besides, I was already asking myself the fatal question:

“I wonder how many other massive rocks are down there?!”

Which means that THIS is the pit that Opie came home to at the end of the day:

Not to mention a knee-high pile of massive rocks.

“The question is NOT how come things sometimes didn't grow well in our garden,” I told him.  “The question is how did ANYTHING grow in our garden?!”

And he mentioned that he thought the real question was “What are you going to do with all these rocks now?”

But my friend Eric had recently clued me in to the environmental importance of native landscaping so I already had a plan. “I’m going to put in a rock garden.”  I said.

It is interesting to note that, years ago, Eric was also the one who opened my eyes to the environmental importance of composting so, essentially, this is all his fault.

But I digress…suffice it to say that Operation Clean Up the Garden has turned into Operation Obsessively Dig For Rocks.

“You’re not going to dig up the entire yard, are you?” Opie asked.

“Our grass grows back really fast,” I said noncommittally.

So now, I go out almost every day, shovel in hand, and just start digging away…stopping only to treat Opie to texts like:

“I found a roller!” (which is a rock so big it has be be rolled instead of carried).


“Don’t walk too close to the garden tonight.  We may have a little landslide situation and I don’t want you falling in a hole.”

Or, once

“Holy crap, I just found a smashed pair of child’s glasses.  What if there’s A KID buried in the yard?  I think I need to go lie down.”

Opie—who probably spends most of his days wondering how he got so lucky to snag me—tends not to respond but even he has to admit that the amount of rocks I have excavated is mind-boggling.

In just 2 months, I have put in 2 rock gardens AND I’ve started to landscape the entire perimeter of our yard with the rocks.

Seriously, check this out:



I mean, not to toot my own horn but I think it’s kind of amazing.

The only problem is this:

I have an obsessive personality AND I just hit a shelf of rock.

About 3 feet down, so far it’s over 4 feet long and I still haven’t found the sides of it. And it has been suggested to me that perhaps it would be best to leave well enough alone, that perhaps if I could actually remove this shelf of rock it would affect the structural integrity of the yard…and I certainly don’t want a sink hole…

But I can’t help myself.  I can just feel the rock down there, mocking me, and I smell a challenge. I can't bring myself to fill in the hole because, you never know, I might be able to break through.

I admit it, I might need to go to Rock Diggers Anonymous.

In any case, this is why I've been so bad at updating my blog this summer: I've had rocks in my head.

To summarize: I found a rock in the garden, obsession is a scary thing, and if our house somehow falls into a sink hole I'm totally blaming Eric.


  1. Again you're so funny. Btw, I'm a farmer. And we farm in a rock quarry. I'm all the time cussing my grandparents for settling in this rock infested area. You DO have a lot of rocks there, but you haven't seen anything like the rocks we have. My job every spring is....picking rocks, everyday all day for like 3 weeks. When we find a rock we can't dig out or pick up, we stake it with a flag and come back with a piece of equipment that will dig it out. Sometimes the rock is SO big we dig a really big hole next to it and tip it into it, getting it deaper in the ground. I too have rocks surrounding all my flower beds. But I only keep those rocks to puddin stones. I don't want just everyday rocks. If I'm going to pick them again, they better be gorgeous. Your rocks also look so very different from ours, kind of cool actually.

  2. I had no idea!!! Good grief!!!! YOu must be working constanty in your yard!! Those are nice rocks too!!! Making a very nice native garden for sure!!!! Eric