Thursday, June 19, 2014

Saint Kimbo I Am Not

You know when I first realized that sainthood might not be for me?

Second grade.

I was sitting in religion class, listening to my teacher--who was, quite possibly, the scariest woman ever--talk about the joys of the stigmata and the saints who had experienced it.

And I summoned all the courage of my second grade self and asked "So, they're bleeding all the time? Isn't that..." and I didn't say "gross" but I think everyone knew where I was going.

"The blood is perfumed with the odor of sanctity!" My teacher told me.

I'm sure I nodded like that was really profound--after all, she was the scariest woman ever--but in my head I was thinking "Yeah, that's still gross."

And I figured my chances of sainthood we're pretty well shot.

I'm older now and I do have a better understanding of the stigmata and true piety and a variety of other religious issues but I decided last Sunday at mass that sainthood is probably still out of reach.

Largely because I spent most of mass having an inner debate on which of the following people were irritating me more:

The woman in front of me who was chewing gum for the entire service.

The older people behind me who thought they were whispering but were, in fact, sharing their thoughts with the whole church...and kept giggling about the fact that they were more poorly behaved than half the children.

The old guy right behind me who, in spite of the fact that the entire rest of his and my pews were both empty, decided he needed to hang his cane directly on the back of my pew so I couldn't sit down without it digging into my spine.

Unless there's a dire need for a patron saint of "I try not to judge but I'm seriously considering beating you to death." I think I'm out of luck.


  1. I know just what you mean, I wonder how many people have been put off by teachers like your's

    1. I know...I think there were more age appropriate stories for her to share.

  2. Hah! Interesting read. I'm not up for sainthood either, and for very similar reasons. :-)

  3. In first grade I attended a private Christian school. It was a scary school where they would spank you with a belt or something if you really crossed the line. I was only there for one year because of that but Bible class my teacher (I actually really liked her) told us that Satan was always with us and whispering in our ears, telling us to do bad things. Well, Satan was a serpent. A creepy gross snake! For YEARS I had this creepy image of a nasty snake hissing over my shoulder into my ear. SO CREEPY.

  4. Oh yikes! Now I'm imagining that same thing--creepy!