A lot of people have been
asking about the possum problem. I’m pleased to report that it has been solved.
There’s not an epic tale involved in this solution; he’s just not living under
the porch anymore. This could be because possums, according to the National
Humane Society, don’t stay the same place very long. But I like to think it’s
due to my vigilant efforts of constantly spraying water into any crevice a possum
could be hiding, shining light into said crevice and stomping around the porch
in front of the backdoor like I was trying to break through.
 |
| This is the evil, unnamed squirrel leaning over the fence, gauging when he can make a run at the feeders. |
But please don’t think
that just because we didn’t have to fight the possum as much as I had
originally feared that this spring has been free from fighting. We’ve had a
shocking number of wildlife battles in the last month or so. First this is the
first of these is very common: the squirrel Who has decided his life’s mission
is to empty my birdfeeders as quickly as animally possible.
His newest trick is to climb up to the supposedly squirrel-proof suet
feeder, hang on it upside down, grab suet chunks with his grubby little paws,
and shove them in his grubby little mouth. My newest trick is to sneak out
while he’s doing it, try to turn on the water without him seeing, then spray the
hose in his general direction while shouting at the top of my lungs.
It hasn’t exactly been a success.
Even worse are the bunnies.
If you ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you might remember
how Anya, the former vengeance demon, thought bunnies were terrifying and even
dressed as a big white bunny for Halloween because it was the scariest thing
she could think of.
And then you probably laughed at Anya.
Newsflash: ANYA WAS RIGHT.
Oh sure, they look cute with their fluffy tails, their floppy ears
and twitchy little noses…but this is all a disguise to cover up their evil
hearts.
 |
| Bunny Foo-Foo |
It wasn’t so bad last year when we only had one of the demons living
under the far side of the deck.
We chuckled at its antics, carefully shooed it
away before we let the dogs outside, and even named it Bunny Foo-Foo after the children’s
song…and just like that, we were lured into Bunny Foo Foo’s evil web.
Because this year, there is a new Foo in town. In fact, there are
two new Foo.
 |
| Little Foo |
 |
| Mini Foo |
This, if you’d like to see photographic evidence of their evil
hearts, is Mini Foo having a chew.
Which, in a nutshell, encapsulates the problem with bunnies: they are
EVIL EATERS OF ENVIRONMENTAL ORNAMENTS!
Or, in slightly clearer terms, they eat everything!
They nibble on my nasturtiums, lunch on my lilies, hunger for my
hosta, snack on my snapdragons…they especially love the huge number of native
plants I’ve put out, like coneflowers and blanket flowers, but that didn’t
quite work from an alliterative standpoint.
In any case, I have tried everything with these ridiculous rabbits.
I put cayenne pepper on all the plants – please notice how red the
hosta is in the picture above while Mini Foo blissfully has a chew.
I covered the little seedlings with planters every night and
uncovered them every morning…the bunnies bravely brunched on the blooms and
buds.
I attempted to bribe the bunnies with delicious carrots and
lettuce left in an enticing pile far from the flower gardens. The bunnies
treated this as an amuse bouche, chowing it down then heading back to
the flowers
to fill up.
I even resorted to reason, explaining to the Foo Family that they
were perpetuating the worst kind of bunny stereotypes, giving a bad name to
bunnies everywhere, and should consider how they ould improve bunnies’ standing
in the gardening world.
But these are the most self-involved, socially irresponsible
bunnies imaginable…proven by the fact that that very night they responded by
eating EVERY SINGLE ONE of my Stargazer Lilies.
To say I didn’t handle this well is an understatement of EPIC proportions.
Let’s jump over the histrionics that occurred when I discovered
the carnage and fast forward to my furious rant to Opie a little later when I
vowed that I would get those bunnies to leave our yard if it was the last thing
I ever did and that they didn’t know what they were in for because I was going
to give them the “possum treatment!”
Opie allowed as how he had no idea what I was talking about but
that it sounded impressive.
First, I bought this highly recommended (and environmentally
friendly!) bunny repellent and doused the plants with it…which, honestly,
smells so foul, it’s possible that it will also keep humans and dogs from
spending too much time in the yard…not helped by the fact that I also added a
thick layer of cayenne pepper and garlic to the perimeter of each garden as a
double whammy of protection.
But that wasn’t the possum treatment…the possum treatment means
making their little bunny abode under the deck as uncomfortable as possible. I spray
water under the deck from all angles every night, shine bright lights under the
deck to illuminate their hidey hole, and stomp back and forth like a toddler
having a tantrum.
Then, in a disgusting show of desperation, I actually scooped up some
of the “dog dirt” from the yard and tossed it under the far side of the deck
into the bunnies’ abode.
It’s interesting to note
that, when I told Opie this part the story, he stared at me in what I thought
was a shocked silence for a long minute. Only to realize that he was instead
relishing the chance to make a joke he may have been saving since the second
grade.
“This finally answers the
question.” he said in an almost reverent tone. “Who flung Poo? It was you. You
flung Poo!”
I don’t like to think this
was the happiest moment of his life but it wouldn’t exactly stun me to learn it
was in the top 10.
In any case, that is what
quarantine has reduced us to: poop jokes and animal abuse. Hope the rest of you
are holding up better…but if you have any sure-fire rabbit repellent tips, let
me know!
