Furious Foos Fight Back

The most important thing to note in this blog is that I'm ok.

The second most important thing is that the Foos are clearly conspiring to kill me.

Basically, what I'm saying is that the following things may or may not have happened:

The Foos, in their rotten Foo-ness, may have decided to spend yesterday morning scampering in and out of the garden, into the flower beds, and all around the hosta, searching for and munching on any scrap of plant that hadn't been coated with the incredibly fetid Bunny-B-Gone.

It is also possible that, enraged beyond reason, I may have run over to chase them off...and I might have been wearing flip flops...and, in spite of my natural grace, I may have tripped and, ever so gracefully, fallen off the deck.

At this point the Foos DEFINITELY DID take advantage of my obvious incapacitation to scamper around the yard in what can only be described as an aggressively exultant manner, snacking on plants in a Foo Feeding Frenzy, stopping only long enough to shoot occasional glances in my direction and laugh at me behind their paws.

It is also possible that I am now, with the incredible agility and skill of a Ninja warrior, hobbling around with my poor left foot encased in a huge walking boot.

This, I'm sure, puts several questions in everyone's heads...

1. Am I ok?  Yes, mostly.  The doc thinks it's sprained not broken...a diagnosis I agree with since I consider myself something of an expert on broken ankles after the unfortunate Redbull Incident of 2002.

2. Am I in pain? Yes, my foot hurts.

3. Have I gotten my revenge on the Foos for their ferocious foraging? Not yet. I've been dreaming of new and possibly violent ways to keep them out of the garden but I have been unable to implement them because, as I may have mentioned, my foot hurts.

4. Am I at all concerned that we are almost out of milk, coffee, and dog food and am thus planning a quick trip to the store? No, my foot hurts.

5. Will I be making dinner in the foreseeable future? Only if I can do it from my chair because my foot hurts.

So the long and the short of it is that the Foos have won yet another battle in our ongoing war for control of the garden. I have been removed from the battlefield, bloody but unbowed and I am determined to triumph in the end....though not today because my foot hurts.

Bunny Foo-Foo and Who Flung Poo

A lot of people have been asking about the possum problem. I’m pleased to report that it has been solved. There’s not an epic tale involved in this solution; he’s just not living under the porch anymore. This could be because possums, according to the National Humane Society, don’t stay the same place very long. But I like to think it’s due to my vigilant efforts of constantly spraying water into any crevice a possum could be hiding, shining light into said crevice and stomping around the porch in front of the backdoor like I was trying to break through.

This is the evil, unnamed squirrel leaning
over the fence, gauging when he can
make a run at the feeders.

But please don’t think that just because we didn’t have to fight the possum as much as I had originally feared that this spring has been free from fighting. We’ve had a shocking number of wildlife battles in the last month or so. First this is the first of these is very common: the squirrel Who has decided his life’s mission is to empty my birdfeeders as quickly as animally possible.

His newest trick is to climb up to the supposedly squirrel-proof suet feeder, hang on it upside down, grab suet chunks with his grubby little paws, and shove them in his grubby little mouth. My newest trick is to sneak out while he’s doing it, try to turn on the water without him seeing, then spray the hose in his general direction while shouting at the top of my lungs.

It hasn’t exactly been a success.

Even worse are the bunnies.

If you ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you might remember how Anya, the former vengeance demon, thought bunnies were terrifying and even dressed as a big white bunny for Halloween because it was the scariest thing she could think of.

And then you probably laughed at Anya.

Newsflash: ANYA WAS RIGHT.

Oh sure, they look cute with their fluffy tails, their floppy ears and twitchy little noses…but this is all a disguise to cover up their evil hearts.

Bunny Foo-Foo

It wasn’t so bad last year when we only had one of the demons living under the far side of the deck. 

We chuckled at its antics, carefully shooed it away before we let the dogs outside, and even named it Bunny Foo-Foo after the children’s song…and just like that, we were lured into Bunny Foo Foo’s evil web.

Because this year, there is a new Foo in town. In fact, there are two new Foo.

Little Foo

Mini Foo

This, if you’d like to see photographic evidence of their evil hearts, is Mini Foo having a chew.

Which, in a nutshell, encapsulates the problem with bunnies: they are EVIL EATERS OF ENVIRONMENTAL ORNAMENTS!

Or, in slightly clearer terms, they eat everything!

They nibble on my nasturtiums, lunch on my lilies, hunger for my hosta, snack on my snapdragons…they especially love the huge number of native plants I’ve put out, like coneflowers and blanket flowers, but that didn’t quite work from an alliterative standpoint.

In any case, I have tried everything with these ridiculous rabbits.

I put cayenne pepper on all the plants – please notice how red the hosta is in the picture above while Mini Foo blissfully has a chew.

I covered the little seedlings with planters every night and uncovered them every morning…the bunnies bravely brunched on the blooms and buds.

I attempted to bribe the bunnies with delicious carrots and lettuce left in an enticing pile far from the flower gardens. The bunnies treated this as an amuse bouche, chowing it down then heading back to 

the flowers to fill up.

I even resorted to reason, explaining to the Foo Family that they were perpetuating the worst kind of bunny stereotypes, giving a bad name to bunnies everywhere, and should consider how they ould improve bunnies’ standing in the gardening world.

But these are the most self-involved, socially irresponsible bunnies imaginable…proven by the fact that that very night they responded by eating EVERY SINGLE ONE of my Stargazer Lilies.

To say I didn’t handle this well is an understatement of EPIC proportions.

Let’s jump over the histrionics that occurred when I discovered the carnage and fast forward to my furious rant to Opie a little later when I vowed that I would get those bunnies to leave our yard if it was the last thing I ever did and that they didn’t know what they were in for because I was going to give them the “possum treatment!”

Opie allowed as how he had no idea what I was talking about but that it sounded impressive.

First, I bought this highly recommended (and environmentally friendly!) bunny repellent and doused the plants with it…which, honestly, smells so foul, it’s possible that it will also keep humans and dogs from spending too much time in the yard…not helped by the fact that I also added a thick layer of cayenne pepper and garlic to the perimeter of each garden as a double whammy of protection.

But that wasn’t the possum treatment…the possum treatment means making their little bunny abode under the deck as uncomfortable as possible. I spray water under the deck from all angles every night, shine bright lights under the deck to illuminate their hidey hole, and stomp back and forth like a toddler having a tantrum.

Then, in a disgusting show of desperation, I actually scooped up some of the “dog dirt” from the yard and tossed it under the far side of the deck into the bunnies’ abode.

It’s interesting to note that, when I told Opie this part the story, he stared at me in what I thought was a shocked silence for a long minute. Only to realize that he was instead relishing the chance to make a joke he may have been saving since the second grade.

“This finally answers the question.” he said in an almost reverent tone. “Who flung Poo? It was you. You flung Poo!”

I don’t like to think this was the happiest moment of his life but it wouldn’t exactly stun me to learn it was in the top 10.

In any case, that is what quarantine has reduced us to: poop jokes and animal abuse. Hope the rest of you are holding up better…but if you have any sure-fire rabbit repellent tips, let me know!