The Peanut Butter Battle of 2020

In case you’re wondering how my life has been going in the last few months, I think you can get a feel for it when I share this important information with you: If a woman is standing on one side of the kitchen, filling her water bottle at the refrigerator and a slightly spoiled kitten is sitting on top of an enormous cat tree on the other side of the kitchen and there is a plate of scrambled eggs on the bar between them…the kitty will ABSOLUTELY get to the scrambled eggs first.

Lurking on the cat tree, ready to strike.

He will also exhibit NO remorse in spite of shouted recriminations and threats of violence.  He will, instead, grab a mouthful of eggs, knock most of the rest of the eggs to the floor as a diversionary tactic, then make a run for it, swallowing what he could but essentially dripping chunks of eggs far and wide throughout the house.

I suspect the cat in question may be in cahoots with the equally spoiled dogs who live here because instead of helping, they ran around, barking joyously, and devouring eggs with reckless abandon.

They maintain that they were just helping me clean up like responsible canine companions but, I’m sorry to report, these dogs are lying liars.

Then, as if that wasn’t enough drama for one day, we also had a little catastrophe I like to call the Peanut Butter Battle of 2020. 

Sharing peanut butter on calmer days

Right now both dogs, in their quest to be the most expensive animals ever to draw breath, are being treated for different non-life threatening issues. Which means that, after the unfortunate egg event, I still had to give them both their medicine.  I did what I always do: put the pills in a little bit of peanut butter and let them gobble it off my fingers. But Bub was worn out from his wild egg-devouring dash around the downstairs and had flopped down on the couch, too exhausted to move. So I gave Sassy hers first, then walked over to the couch to give Bub his…blithely unaware that the cat had sneaked back into the living room and was lurking on the other side of the couch like a Peanut Butter Bandit. 

As I reached down to give Bub his pills, the aforementioned cat jumped up like a Ninja, paws flailing, trying to get his claws on the peanut butter.

He later claimed that he was afraid I was poisoning Bub and was simply trying to rescue him.  But this cat, unfortunately, is also a lying liar.

In any case, he smacked at the peanut butter at the exact same moment that Bub was reaching his mouth out to eat it…basically, what I’m saying here is that worlds collided and peanut butter coated pills went flying across the room.

At this point Bubba, with the energy of a dog who is imagining a Peanut Butter Bandit absconding with his treat, jumped off the couch and lunged for it. Sassy, with the zeal of a dog who wants every treat ever invented, also lunged for it. The cat, still allegedly attempting heroic poison salvation, lunged for it.

And in the middle of all this mess was one slightly hysterical woman, terrified that the wrong animal was going to swallow the medicine, screaming every curse word she’s ever heard and shoving away any paw or snout in her immediate vicinity.

Yes, as a matter of fact, that woman WAS me.

And, by some crazy miracle, I prevailed. I got everyone separated, got the pills before the wrong animal ate them, and managed to get them in Bub’s mouth.

I guess I should be glad he got
 the peanut butter off his paws but
I'm kind of afraid what he's
planning next

At which point, the completely remorseless cat, stomped off in a rage to the top of the cat tree, leaving little peanut butter pawprints all over the floor in his wake.

Where are we now, you might be wondering.  Well, Bubba has essentially collapsed from excitement and is in such a deep sleep it’s entirely possible he won’t wake up until dinner.

Sassy is suspicious that everyone else has somehow had more peanut butter than she did and is sulking under the bed.

Pipsqueak Meow is modeling extreme social distancing and is sitting on the cat tree, triumphantly licking peanut butter from his paws.

As for me, I’m wondering if it’s too early to start drinking.

For other stories of Pipsqueak Meow's crazy adventures, you can follow him on Instagram at pipsqueak_meow or on Twitter @MeowPipsqueak or check out some of the links below

Curiosity

National Cat Day