Discombubulated,
that’s how I’ve been feeling lately.
Which, in case you aren’t familiar with the term, is a lot like
being discombobulated. The main difference is that discombobulation is
the direct result of Bub Dog shenanigans.
Bub Dog, in case you aren’t familiar with the myriad of animals
who share our home, is our 16-year-old, half-Beagle, half-Rottweiler mix.
Bub, our
dog sitters used to tell us, is the easiest dog in the world. He’s not crazy about strange men and he has
been known to kill the occasional squirrel…but all in all, he’s a sweetie and has
even been nicknamed “Love Bub” by my friend Martha after he obsessively snuggled with her
during a weekend visit.
And then
he turned 16.
At which
point he not only turned into a curbubgeon but also decided, after a lifetime
of putting up with small dog and kitty cat shenanigans, he was ready to do a
little shenaniganizing of his own.
So, here’s how a typical day with our beloved Bub goes now:
4:00 PM - I give Bub one of his
nightly medicines, the one that he needs about 90 minutes before eating.
4:01 PM - Bub mentions that these pills are a
delicious amuse-bouche but he’d prefer to go ahead and eat his actual meal and
could I please go get his food right now?
4:10 PM - Bub wonders if I have perhaps
misunderstood his request and helpfully goes over and starts licking his bowl
and pushing it around the room. Then, fearing that I’m not the brightest
biscuit in the bunch, goes over and starts pushing Sassy’s bowl around the room
too.
4:25 PM - Bub gets on the couch, heaves a big
sigh and announces that he’s hungrier than he’s ever been in his entire life,
possibly hungrier than any dog in canine history, he’s probably starving to
death before my eyes and it will be a barking miracle if he can make it back
over to his bowl, much less nibble a few pieces of kibble.
4:26 PM - Bub promptly falls asleep and starts
snoring away like a snoring snorapotamus.
5:15 PM - Opie starts getting the animals’
evening meal together.
5:16 PM - Bub wakes up to the glorious sound of
food hitting the bowl but then, horror of horrors, remembers he can’t get off
the couch on his own anymore.
5:17 - 5:30 PM Bub resists all attempts to help
him off the couch, miraculously turning to stone and gaining 7000 pounds every
time we try to pick him up. He also adamantly maintains that the $70 ramp we
got him for just this reason is wobbly and weak and the scariest thing EVER.
5:30 PM - We wave the white flag, put the ramp
aside, pull the cushions off the couch, and use them to build a mini staircase.
Bub tiptoes down and immediately demands to know why his dinner is late.
5:45 PM – With dinner but a distant memory, Bub
goes outside to do his nightly business. Since part of his new shenanigans includes
eating anything he can get his paws on in the yard and subsequently puking all
over the house, one of us goes out with him and spends an entertaining 15-20
minutes shooing him away from bird seed, rabbit poop, wood chips, cat poop, sticks,
poop of unknown origin, and various other delicious yard-related delights.
6:00 – 10:00 PM Bub is a mutt on a mission, a
dog with a destiny, a pup with a plan…all of which involve going outside and continuing
his gourmet journey around the yard. He whines to be let out, we let him out on
the deck, he walks the perimeter of the deck in case an escape hatch will
miraculously open, comes back to the door and barks to be let back in. He alternates between these behaviors for
most of the night.
At this point, some of you are wondering if Opie
and I are some sort of evil puppy parents and are deliberately starving this
poor, abused animal. Let me reassure you that Bubba is NOT underfed. We have
talked to the vet, we have monitored his weight, we have even bought him the
most disgusting-smelling wet food in creation to supplement his dietary needs
(he loves it!). Plus, I fling treats at these animals with reckless abandon.
The cat’s getting his nails cut? Everyone gets a treat. Sassy’s getting
brushed? Everyone gets a treat. Everyone is sitting around looking adorable?
Treats all around! In short, this dog does NOT need more food…and he certainly
doesn’t need more food that he is only going to puke up all over my floor.
But I digress…because Bub’s routine doesn’t end
at bedtime.
11:00 – 1:00 AM At some point in this window, the
Bub comes to my side of the bed to wake me up. He whines, chuffs big lungfuls
of delightful doggy breath in my face and insists that he needs to go out
immediately. It’s an emergency, he can’t wait until morning, he isn’t even
thinking about eating something in the yard, he just really, really, REALLY
needs to go.
I get up, struggle into my coat etc and sleepily
wander outside with him. He does make a good show of lifting his leg – he doesn’t
always go but he does at least pretend – then invariably catches a whiff of
something disgustingly delicious and we start running around the yard much more
quickly than a chubby middle-aged woman and a 16-year-old dog should,
especially in the middle of the night. This is often followed by hushed cursing, loud barking, and a mini-wrestling match to get him back in the house.
On a good night, this happens once. On a bad
night, we repeat this 2 or 3 times.
Why do I keep getting up? Because this is a 16-year-old
dog and sometimes - just often enough to make me nervous - he really does need to go.
1:00-3:30 AM – During this time frame the cat stops
prowling around the house and gets in bed – which doesn’t seem important but
trust me, causes all sorts of issues.
3:30 – 4:30 AM Bub wakes up, wonders if it’s too early for
a snack and then suddenly realizes that he is the ONLY ANIMAL NOT IN THE BED. This
is, of course, a tragedy and a travesty and must be addressed immediately. Not
by actually getting in the bed – that’s too high for him and we’ve already discussed
the ramp controversy – but by making sure he gets equal snuggle time.
Immediately. On the couch.
I used to argue, I used to try to make him get in his own
bed and hold out until morning. I used to think if I just ignored him long
enough, he’d settle down.
But, as Bub has explained multiple times, he’s an old doggo
with nothing to lose. He’ll whine, he’ll cough right in my face, he’ll cry, he’ll
bark, he’ll walk out of the bedroom in hopes that I’ll follow, then he’ll come
back and start all over again.
What he won’t do is give up.
Now, most nights, I just grab my pillow, stumble to the
couch with all three animals at my heels, and try to sleep while contemplating
whose bright idea it was to have all these pets in the first place.
So if you're wondering why I haven't blogged much lately or why I wander around staring into space and talking to myself, it's because most days, I’m completely discombubulated.
And tired.