Well, once again, we're dealing with a very disturbing VERMIN problem here in the wild wilderness of Oklahoma.
Which means a lot of you are thinking "Aww, geez, Kimberly is getting ridiculously worked up because there's a snake in the yard."
First of all, I don't think I like this attitude. Second, you're horribly wrong. There was no snake.
"Aha!" you’re saying to yourselves, "Selves," you all are saying, "Then it’s a mouse. There’s a mouse in the house."
Wrong again!
And now you’re just throwing out guesses in a wild, devil-may-care fashion: Disgusting camel cricket? Armadillo? Feral pig? ALLIGATOR?!
Don’t be ridiculous, people. We don't live in Florida.
What we dealt with is much, much worse: a dead bat!!
There was a dead bat on the patio!
Here's what happened: One day last week, I went out to lunch with a friend. As soon as I got home, I took the ridiculous mongrels outside, picked a few tomatoes, and then happened to glance over at the area where we keep the grill and some yard tools.
And I saw something brown and furry lying there... something that clearly had once been alive.
"What the heck is that?" I muttered (and the interest of keeping this PG rated let’s pretend I actually said heck)
So I did what any normal person would do in this situation: I poked the lump with the handle of the rake, which rolled the lump over and revealed a leathery wing.
I’m not even going to try to pretend that my subsequent yells were PG rated. They weren’t. I may owe neighbors an apology.
But I digress… I was going to tell you all about the mongrel hounds. Namely, the Bub who, once I began yelling, wandered over to see what all the fuss was about. And then somewhat indicated that he has heard that bat is a great delicacy in some areas of the world and allowed as how he would like to have a little nibble.
I’m not gonna lie, I panicked. “Get back get back, get back, you ridiculous dog!" I shouted, brandishing the rake like a weapon. "Do you want rabies, Bub? Do you?!”
At which point, it occurred to me that I was holding the implement that had just touched the possibly rabies infested vermin and flung it to the ground -- terrifying Bub enough that I was able to drag him in the house, thus saving both of us from any bat related illnesses.
Unfortunately, that left Sassy chained up outside. And the minute she lost sight of me, she began barking like a maniac and desperately yanking at the chain and basically convincing anyone within earshot that she was being horribly abused. At which point the ridiculous dogs next door decided to come to her defense and began barking at the top of their stupid lungs...
It is interesting to note that running outside screaming at everyone to SHUT UP RIGHT NOW! SHUT UP BEFORE I FREAKING LOSE MY MIND! does little to calm hysterical hounds.
It was, in a word, complete mayhem.
In any case, I have since done research into bats and it is actually rather unlikely that it actually has rabies and even if it did, the virus would have died shortly after the bat did...but it still needed to be removed with gloves and extreme care.... and it wouldn't hurt to wipe the rake handle down with Clorox wipes.
So, obviously, my next step was to email Opie and let him know that as soon as he got home there was a dead bat on the patio that needed to be removed and a rake that needed to be cloroxed post haste because NO ONE was going back in the yard until those tasks were complete.
He seemed a little unsure if this was his job, but I was quick to advise him to refer to Section 4 Paragraph 3, Sub Point B in our marital contract which very clearly states that vermin removal is a husbandly obligation.
I did, however, get the Clorox wipes out for him.
I also let him know in advance that cracking any jokes in the “Holy rabies Bat Girl” family would absolutely not be tolerated and could well result in him spending the rest of the night in the yard with the corpse of the aforementioned vermin.
But here's the real problem, the thing that made me spend a lot of the day lying on the couch with a cold compress on my head, is the following question: WHAT KIND OF HORRIFYING CREATURE IS NOW LIVING IN THE YARD, KILLING BATS WITH RECKLESS ABANDON?
I have no idea...and I don't much like to think about it!
