Married life is a constant joy for my husband, Opie, I can assure you. And one reason I know it’s true is because I tell him all the time that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he never disagrees.
The other reason is that I am constantly bringing excitement and drama to his otherwise organized life.
Like earlier this week when I called him on the way to work, got his voicemail and yelled “Hey, it’s me…oh, never mind, it’s just crazy!” and hung up.
Now I, of course, realized that this could be construed as a somewhat disconcerting message so as soon as I got to work I sent the following email:
Thought I should explain the weird message…
I straightened my hair...we have mice in the crawl space.
NOTE: Even though we’ve only been married for a year or so, Opie’s had enough experience with my particular brand of crazy that I was pretty confident that this would be explanation enough. However, just in case, I also provided him more detailed information.
I straightened my hair this morning which always makes me nervous because that straightener is about 400 degrees.
And since I’m SUPREMELY self-aware, I know that this is the kind of thing that can lead me to have one of those freak outs that you find so endearing…you know, the one where I get halfway to work and then say “Did I leave the straightener on?” And then spend the rest of the day worrying that the cat will see it on the counter and knock it to the floor. Thereby starting a fire and burning down the house and killing the pets before we got home.
To avoid that, I made a huge deal about unplugging the straightener so I couldn't possibly forget that it was safe.
Which made me run a little late.
Which further means that I didn't get a chance to go through my daily ritual of making sure the dogs were in the house before I left.
Which finally means that on the way to work, I decided that Bubba was still outside, that it was going to get 85 degrees or more and he would get heat stroke before I got home...you would then never forgive me and since you are stuck with me forever we would be doomed to live in an angry, resentful marriage until the end of our days.
Obviously, I wanted to avoid this at all costs.
So, I called you--thinking you could call the neighbors and get them to go check if Bubba was outside and maybe give him some water.
Then, while the phone was ringing, I remembered that when I went outside to my car this morning, I saw a mouse run into the grate in the front of the house.
I immediately ran all around the outside of the house like a lunatic to see if there were other mice and to see where the grate led.
But on the bright side, Bubba must have heard me and started barking hysterically from inside...the memory of which told me he was safe.
But we have mice in the crawl space and we need to put some traps in there because mice can draw snakes and if snakes get in the garage, I can’t live in our house anymore.
And by we, I--of course--mean YOU because the crawl space is creepy and I don't like killing things...even vermin ridden things.
I know what you’re all thinking…he’s the luckiest man on earth, right?