OK, in case you think my life has been boring, let me tell you ladies a little bit about my adventure yesterday when I decided to investigate the murky world of laser hair removal…I’m sure most of you feel my pain and hate to shave the bikini line as much as I do. I don’t know if most of you have ever considered laser hair removal…I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time and actually took the plunge yesterday. Here’s an overview, in case you were thinking about checking it out:
1. Get up, then spend shocking amount of time in shower shaving the area in question.
2. Go to shop, try to whisper purpose of visit, stare at wall and pretend to be invisible as receptionist talks to nurse/technician in loud voice about treatment.
3. Go into laser lab, discuss different types of treatments available. Assure nurse/technician that am not interested in full frontal nudity but would prefer a “landing strip” approach.
4. Assure technician that do not want “rectal area” probed with lasers EVER.
5. Tell technician that your “rectal area” is definitely off limits as it is clearly EXIT ONLY.
6. After technician goes to get laser, take off jeans and boots, leave on socks because am freezing, take off underwear, put on bizarre paper panties with drawstring sides.
7. Slip on enormous eye-protective goggles and try to imagine size of laser that can somehow damage eyes while supposedly aimed at crotch.
8. Climb on table to wait and try to imagine vision of self sitting on lab table with paper panties, red sweater, knee high socks and space goggles. Laugh hysterically, thereby alarming technician who is waiting outside and completely unused to laughter in the laser lab.
9. Assure technician that really are not a nutcase.
10. Lie back and let technician inspect crotch with some sort of magnifying glass, flicking and poking.
11. Watch in horror as technician begins to DRY SHAVE bikini line. Make nervous jokes like “Just a little off the top” then jump a foot when technician slops an inordinate amount of cold goo on bikini line so laser can “find hair.”
12. Nod appreciatively as technician warns that procedure may cause “slight discomfort.”
13. Yell curse word as “slight discomfort” becomes “shocking, strange and unexplainable pain.” Not unbearable, unexplainable. If you’ve never had a laser in your crotch, you don’t understand. You can’t.
14. Spend 10 minutes in so-called slight discomfort, mentally reviewing every curse word have ever learned while nurse/technician turns into cheerleader, saying things like “Good job!” or “There we go!” or “You’re doing great.” As if lying on table with laser in crotch is something that requires some kind of skill.
15. Interrupt cheering and attempt awkward conversation with nurse/technician about all the horrible things she’s seen in her crotch-coiffing career. Interrupt self to demand what horrible smell permeating room is.
16. Do NOT feel comforted when told horrible smell is CROTCH HAIR BURNING.
17. Listen to nurse/technician explain that laser burns the hair in the follicle (hence horrible smell) and that in the next few weeks hair will start to push through skin, as if growing, then fall out.
18. Have horrible vision of self walking through halls of school shedding pubic hair in tornado-like cloud. Become overwhelmed with giggles at vision , have difficulty dressing self.
19. Actually MAKE APPOINTMENT FOR SECOND TREATMENT SINCE NEED 4 OR 5 FOR FULL EFFECT!!!!!
Yes, that’s right, I’ll be doing this three or four more times…stay tuned…
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